2 years

Happy birthday little fairy! Its difficult to comprehend that its been two years since we got to meet you & so two years since we said goodbye.

Its been a very busy year with the arrival of your little sister. Thats also made today feel different, last year we were without you & your sister hadnt yet arrived, so it felt strangely lonely without one of our babies to hold. This year we’ve been able to hold her extra tight when we’ve felt sad. the challenge going fowards is making sure your sister knows you. You’re such a big part of our families story that we never want to be forgotten, our little fairy that makes the cats go crazy & causes mischief wherever she can!

One of the things i meant to mention some time ago is how awkward fathers day felt. People saying ‘happy fathers day with your first kid’, when im thinking ‘err, no i’m already a dad’ but ofc say ‘thanks’, is it bad? I just dont want to go into a painful subject with some random person whose just making light conversation. I guess we all truncate our stories to whats the socially accepted level of sharing…

But youre always there, never far from my heart. We love you always Lily. Happy second birthday!

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New year

Its been 2 whole years since we announced you to the world, which means it wont be long until its two years since we said goodbye. It really doesnt feel that long, but maybe thats because it still hurts? I still have monents that reduce me to tears. But you know what? This year we got to welcome your little sister into the world! Shes such an amazing bundle of love!! Even though your story was cut short, You will be part of her story as you are part of mine. At christmas your decoration went on the tree & grandma even got a little stocking for you. We should have put some extra sweet fairy treats in it!

No matter how many years go by, youre always with us. Happy new year my love.

Where are we now?

Its been one year since our little girl was born asleep. Since then we have had quite a few big developments, for a start we got married

and are expecting a baby in the coming months/weeks.

Today is a strange day, its been mostly a normal day but there is still a sadness in the background. Having timehop shouting at me to look at my memories was not the most welcome start to the day.. the pain of loss is still there and always will be, but theres still a small amount of joy at having met our little girl. We still think on her and do little things in her memory – she isnt confined to memory but still a part of our lives and when our baby arrives we will tell them of thier big sister who is watching over them.

Tonight we will light a candle.

Happy birthday Lily, we love you always.

Looking back: finding out

I remember when i found out we were expecting our little girl. We had been trying for a couple of months and this one we had both been busy so werent expecting anything. Id had a really crap day at work, the kind where everything annoys you. I got home frustrated and annoyed and went straight upstairs and collapsed on the bed. My partner walked in and said ‘whats that?’ i looked to see a positive test resting on the pillows. I sat on the edge of the bed and held on to her and just cried with joy.

Three weeks

Its three weeks now since our tiny girl entered the world asleep and feels like a lifetime. Its those little things are that different now.. every day we used to have a listen to her heartbeat with our fetal doppler, hearing that sound and chasing her around as she moved and kicked! There was also a ban on steak that wasnt well done..no runny eggs.. we could call each other baby momma/dadda.. all those little day to day things are now a memory. Thats one of the most scary things, that our little girl will become a memory. We will do all we can to keep her with us, but its a thought which i found really hard to deal with this week. In fact, the start of this week was more tearful than the first. But then, this week coming is when we are having a servife for her. On thursday we will say goodbye again. It will also mark 4 weeks since we had confirmation her heart had stopped. Everyday i have a chat with her in my mind, picturing her as a cheeky little fairy causing mischief. Hopefully the keepsakes we have with her hand and footprints will arrive this week – along with a memory box. We also have started to choose some photos to go with her in the cremation, we are going to write little messages on the back – theres even going to be one from the cats! We are doing everything we can to do her memory justice, she gave us so much joy in the time she was with us. We want her to know she will always be with us.

Two weeks.

Today marks two weeks since Lily came into the world asleep. It feels like loger and no time at all. Today i finished tidying up our spare room which would have become her bedroom. My partner also read a poem which we will use at her service which (no sock here) reduced me to tears. I’ve joined the Sands forum to see what it has to offer, it will be good to connect with other people who are going through/have been through this. Yesterday my closest friend said they could attend Lilys service (none of my close family can) without any hesitation, which also reduced me to tears but a mixed one – the lack of hesistation was really nice to know that people are there, no questions asked, if i need them. The cats are still goung crazy, something we say is down to our cheeky fairy Lily making them go loopy! Its a lot of things happening..

but, damn, it still bloody hurts.

waiting.

We have a rough idea that the service will be about a week and a half so long as the hospital have released Lily by then. It feels like a small slice of forever. Im feeling myself becoming slightly anxious at times, im not sure if its due to the wait until then.

i cant possibly put into words how much i miss our little girl.. how much i want to hold her little hands again. The cold reality is that i never will. All i can do is keep her in my thoughts as a cheeky fairy causing mischief! Her story was cut short so we will write it for her. But still, nothing will heal how much i want my little girl to still be alive. I didnt even realise how much i loved her until i had to think about saying goodbye.

i think my other halfs mom is flying over to attend the service, which is nice  as my immediate family are closer but cant attend.. though we arent even sure if we want it to just be us or not.

i cried earlier and still feel exhausted. But on a positive – no work tomorrow! So at last i can sleep and hope in the dreams i can see our little girl again.