You’re always with us, so its not really goodbye.

On wednesday we visited the people handling Lilys service. We went to drop off a tiny bunny teddy and some photos we had writte messages on. We took them through to a small room where she was in her small sealed casket. As soon as i saw it i broke down into tears. The box was beatiful with her full name/birthday and a message saying ‘always loved’ on a plaque on top. It was really moving how dignified she had been treated. We spoke to her for quite some time, reading out the messages we had written on the back of the photos. Whilst i cried for a while, afterwards i started to feel some sense of peace. It was also nice to say ‘see you tomorrow’ and not goodbye again.

for the first time when we got home i was able to look at some things, which had previously made me cry, and smile.. it was a big change to start to feel peace. It had also been great to be near our little girl after so many weeks.

yesterday was the day of the service. Shortly before the car arrived to take us to the crematorium i was feeling very nervous..as if she was watching, a huge sun beam started to shine through the lounge window lighting up the house. It made me feel a lot better. When the car arrived i got in and sat next to ger casket and started to cry. I got to carry her in whilst my partner carried flowers for her. We walked in listening to ‘Birdy – wings’. We stood at the stop of the chappel with her casket just crying for most of the song. Then we brought those with us close (her mom and my closest friend) and did some small readings. I spoke about how we wanted to remember her with a smile and about how much she had made us giggle in her ultrasounds by being so silly. I read one of the last parts of ‘the little prince’ which talks about remembering. After this we asked to be alone with her casket. We spoke to her more and started to cry… then another sun beam came through the windows and shone right on her casket. Again, it was ger there with us! We exited the chappel listening to ‘mumford and sons – after the storm’, crying more tears.

when we got home i agaun started to feel a sense of peace. Not long after we arrived, our rememerance trinkets arrived (a necklaces for my OH and bracelet for me), they had her little hand and footprints in them. Our promise is to keep her memory as something that makes us smile and gives us hope as we move forwards in life. This time it didnt really feel like goodbye, as, to be honest, she is always here in our hearts.

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