2 years

Happy birthday little fairy! Its difficult to comprehend that its been two years since we got to meet you & so two years since we said goodbye.

Its been a very busy year with the arrival of your little sister. Thats also made today feel different, last year we were without you & your sister hadnt yet arrived, so it felt strangely lonely without one of our babies to hold. This year we’ve been able to hold her extra tight when we’ve felt sad. the challenge going fowards is making sure your sister knows you. You’re such a big part of our families story that we never want to be forgotten, our little fairy that makes the cats go crazy & causes mischief wherever she can!

One of the things i meant to mention some time ago is how awkward fathers day felt. People saying ‘happy fathers day with your first kid’, when im thinking ‘err, no i’m already a dad’ but ofc say ‘thanks’, is it bad? I just dont want to go into a painful subject with some random person whose just making light conversation. I guess we all truncate our stories to whats the socially accepted level of sharing…

But youre always there, never far from my heart. We love you always Lily. Happy second birthday!

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New year

Its been 2 whole years since we announced you to the world, which means it wont be long until its two years since we said goodbye. It really doesnt feel that long, but maybe thats because it still hurts? I still have monents that reduce me to tears. But you know what? This year we got to welcome your little sister into the world! Shes such an amazing bundle of love!! Even though your story was cut short, You will be part of her story as you are part of mine. At christmas your decoration went on the tree & grandma even got a little stocking for you. We should have put some extra sweet fairy treats in it!

No matter how many years go by, youre always with us. Happy new year my love.

Sisters

Well, its been an evenful month.. just over four weeks ago we were joined by our daughter Imogen. Our little fairy now has a little sister.

At times the joy of having Imogen with us reminds me of how painful it was to lose Lily.. but then its a pain that will never go.

A few times Imogen has reached out and grabbed my necklace that has Lilys hand & foot prints, moments like that are so very special. Its the start of her knowing she has a sister.

I look forward to telling her abour her big sis who is now a cheeky fairy that flys around causing mischief – especially winding up the cats!

Bedside manner

Throughout our journey we have encountered examples of good and bad care, sadly we’ve had more of the latter. There have been several occcasions where we felt like we were on a conveyer belt, people just hurrying us along to the next person. There were a few who took the time to look us in the eye and feel what we were feeling.. sadly our consultant is not one of them. Recently we had a meeting with her where we asked to try different options to see if they might help – everyone of them was shot down. Now, thats not nessecarily bad care if it truly wont help, but it was like talking to a brick wall ‘no, i dont see the point’ etc, the same thing could have been said with a much kinder manner – especially given what we’ve been through. My (nearly)Wife is the brains of the outfit and asked her GP to transfer us to Tommys. This is a charity clinic which specialises in this kind of thing, and we had our first meeting with them this week. Well, what im confused out it is how our consultant shot down several things they offered off the bat! One came with a disclaimer ‘it may not help, but it wont do any harm’ – actually it will help, because it will let us think WE ARE DOING SOMETHING. After this we met one of the Tommys nurses who was so lovely, she listened to out story and took the time to emphasise. Its been three weeks since we saw our consultant, they were asked to send us our results from any tests and weve had and nothing has arrived yet, its been just over three days since tommys and theyve already arranged a second appointment! 

I guess what frustrates me is that you can be as clinically skilled as you want, but if you cant show empathy for this kind of thing then no amount of skill is going to help.

6 weeks.

6 weeks now.. and still 4 weeks until we get any results. We colected Lilys ashes about a week and a half ago.. i was surprised there are any. Now we need to think about what we do with them if we do anything. For now they are safe in the beautiful little container we choose. Its a testament to the person who organised the service that we got this one. We only saw it breifly and said it would be nice if there were any ashes. Then we are collecting them in that container. It has an image of a sunset on it which is very pretty. Im not sure what we will do aith the ashes, i expect we will hold on to them for quite some time as once you make that choice you cant go back. We were thinking of scattering them overseas but the rules are far tighter than in the uk.

I also had my first big day of lots of people asking about it. It was ok if a bit uncomfortable at times. Though one convo was quite in depth and i could feel myself welling up. 

Also i only recently saw the pics my partner took. Our baby had a really cute little face. Her pics also captured more of a tiny smile on her little lips. That has helped me find a bit more peace. 

Family and other peoples babies

The loss of our little one has resulted in the first time ive really felt frustrated with my close family.its an issue that really stems from how people are afraid to talk about loss. If someone close to you has lost someone, dont be afraid to talk to them. They probably wont want to talk about what they are going through, but may appreciate having a normal conversation. You can rest assured that even though they can hold a normal conversation they are still hurting inside, but that conversation will help them not feel so isolated. ‘Well, if i need to talk they know im here’.. really? Dealing with loss evaporates your want to do anything let alone feel like you want to reach out. It took so much for me to go speak to someone about how i was feeling when i hit a bad low, i essentially had to force myself to do that. If you care about someone talk to them, dont leave them in silence. Unfortunately i now feel a divide that ive not felt before, im sure it will heal over time. And maybe im being a dick as there is no book on how these things should go, but seriously just reach out to them.

Also i felt my first pangs of jelousy this week. Two people i know have had babies. They are both wonderful people and amazing parents – as they both already have kids. This is where it comes in, a feeling of being pissed off with life – others are having a second kid and life cant seem to let us have one?!? Its a horrible way to feel. Im not a believer in deities but it really feels like life is being a cunt.

i miss my little girl so much. Shes always in our hearts, but she should also be in our arms.

waiting.

We have a rough idea that the service will be about a week and a half so long as the hospital have released Lily by then. It feels like a small slice of forever. Im feeling myself becoming slightly anxious at times, im not sure if its due to the wait until then.

i cant possibly put into words how much i miss our little girl.. how much i want to hold her little hands again. The cold reality is that i never will. All i can do is keep her in my thoughts as a cheeky fairy causing mischief! Her story was cut short so we will write it for her. But still, nothing will heal how much i want my little girl to still be alive. I didnt even realise how much i loved her until i had to think about saying goodbye.

i think my other halfs mom is flying over to attend the service, which is nice  as my immediate family are closer but cant attend.. though we arent even sure if we want it to just be us or not.

i cried earlier and still feel exhausted. But on a positive – no work tomorrow! So at last i can sleep and hope in the dreams i can see our little girl again.