6 weeks.

6 weeks now.. and still 4 weeks until we get any results. We colected Lilys ashes about a week and a half ago.. i was surprised there are any. Now we need to think about what we do with them if we do anything. For now they are safe in the beautiful little container we choose. Its a testament to the person who organised the service that we got this one. We only saw it breifly and said it would be nice if there were any ashes. Then we are collecting them in that container. It has an image of a sunset on it which is very pretty. Im not sure what we will do aith the ashes, i expect we will hold on to them for quite some time as once you make that choice you cant go back. We were thinking of scattering them overseas but the rules are far tighter than in the uk.

I also had my first big day of lots of people asking about it. It was ok if a bit uncomfortable at times. Though one convo was quite in depth and i could feel myself welling up. 

Also i only recently saw the pics my partner took. Our baby had a really cute little face. Her pics also captured more of a tiny smile on her little lips. That has helped me find a bit more peace. 

Family and other peoples babies

The loss of our little one has resulted in the first time ive really felt frustrated with my close family.its an issue that really stems from how people are afraid to talk about loss. If someone close to you has lost someone, dont be afraid to talk to them. They probably wont want to talk about what they are going through, but may appreciate having a normal conversation. You can rest assured that even though they can hold a normal conversation they are still hurting inside, but that conversation will help them not feel so isolated. ‘Well, if i need to talk they know im here’.. really? Dealing with loss evaporates your want to do anything let alone feel like you want to reach out. It took so much for me to go speak to someone about how i was feeling when i hit a bad low, i essentially had to force myself to do that. If you care about someone talk to them, dont leave them in silence. Unfortunately i now feel a divide that ive not felt before, im sure it will heal over time. And maybe im being a dick as there is no book on how these things should go, but seriously just reach out to them.

Also i felt my first pangs of jelousy this week. Two people i know have had babies. They are both wonderful people and amazing parents – as they both already have kids. This is where it comes in, a feeling of being pissed off with life – others are having a second kid and life cant seem to let us have one?!? Its a horrible way to feel. Im not a believer in deities but it really feels like life is being a cunt.

i miss my little girl so much. Shes always in our hearts, but she should also be in our arms.

waiting.

We have a rough idea that the service will be about a week and a half so long as the hospital have released Lily by then. It feels like a small slice of forever. Im feeling myself becoming slightly anxious at times, im not sure if its due to the wait until then.

i cant possibly put into words how much i miss our little girl.. how much i want to hold her little hands again. The cold reality is that i never will. All i can do is keep her in my thoughts as a cheeky fairy causing mischief! Her story was cut short so we will write it for her. But still, nothing will heal how much i want my little girl to still be alive. I didnt even realise how much i loved her until i had to think about saying goodbye.

i think my other halfs mom is flying over to attend the service, which is nice  as my immediate family are closer but cant attend.. though we arent even sure if we want it to just be us or not.

i cried earlier and still feel exhausted. But on a positive – no work tomorrow! So at last i can sleep and hope in the dreams i can see our little girl again.

exhaustion

I know i have commented on this before, but wow.. grief is so very tiring. When ive been crying or upset i feel tired like i worked a long shift.but then its more mental tiredness.. after that is difficult to get upset for a while. I just feel so drained that i dont feel anything for a while. Oddly these can be something that adds clarity to thought.. the usual thought its how if someone was telling me that what weve been through i would be thinking ‘fucking hell, life give them a damn break’

one year later..

One year ago today we lost our first little one.. its given valentines a bit of a different meaning for us. Our first sadly passed away at 8-9 weeks.. what added extra sadness was that we found out just before going on holiday.. a holiday which started with a stop over in Paris. It sounds almost too sad to be true – something i was thinking when talking to our bereavement midwife today. We named our little one Babba (that was the nickname we had used throughout) and they have always stayed with us, though the pain was terrible we used it as a resolve to keep moving forwards. We hoped that we would be coming into a year later with good news, but sadly february now holds even more sadness with our loss of Lily. I tried going in to work today hoping to keep myself occupied.. which worked up until a point. After a while i started to feel the sadness boiling over.. i found a quiet place to sit down and then called the bereavement midwife to have a chat. Lots of tears later and i felt exhausted – thats one of the things people rarely tell you about grief, thats its so tiring! The sadness was made even worse by the fact we went to speak with the people handling the arrangements for Lilys ceremony.. its a lot of different things to comprehend, let alone process emotionally. 

I decided it was best to go home early. I came home to find a slightly different vslentines present from my other half – she was part way through cleaning the kitchen (a task i usually do), and i smiled and started to feel better. Despite all of the loss we have faced, we have never faced it alone, we have faced it together. 

One week later

i can’t believe its already been a week since out little one came into the world asleep. This has possibly been the longest and shortest week of my life.. its so very strange how time changes so much with how you are feeling. A week ago we were wiping away tears and waiting to meet our tiny one for the first time and now we are sat at home on the sofa watching Tv…after some tears. The onset of normality after something so tragic is a really really strange feeling… the pain is still there but its moved from someone ripping my heart apart to emptiness and missing her so much.. its more like a constant melancholy. But that said, we’ve still managed to make each other laugh and giggling at times, something we have both felt guilty about on separate occasions – which is really silly as we know Lily would have wanted us to rejoice in the fact that she happened and take happiness ans strength from that.
Tomorrow i go back to work which i’m not really looking forwards to, but if i put it off i will only feel worse. That’s not to say anything bad about what i do or the people i work with (well except one who is really annoying me, so i will have to try my best not to tell them to f**k off as i really do need this job). I’m most worried about leaving my other-half with our crazy kittens.. though they should take good care of her.

Also tomorrow we have a meeting with the people who will be handling the cremation, something which will no doubt break our hearts yet again. And we haven’t yet heard from the hospital as to when they have completed their checks on Lily.. ┬áit sounded like there was a bit of a hold up, though she is only having external checks so hopefully we will hear something at the start of next week.

next week also brings up an old pain as valentines day marks one year since we lost our first little light..

One of the ways we are finding peace at the moment is to think of our little Lily as a cheeky fairy who is always around us causing mischief at filling our hearts with smiles and laughter. Its how we have chosen to keep her with us. Neither of us are religious but it is nice to think that she is with her great-grandmother, our other little light and others we know who were lost too early. In the most basic of ways to look at things we know she felt no pain and went when it was best for her, on her terms. We knew there could be complications later on and that she probably wouldn’t survive until term, and if she did it probably wouldn’t be for very long.. So it was a small mercy that she saved pain for herself and months of worry for us. but even with that all that said… it still hurts because she was, is and always will be our little girl.