Happy birthday little fairy! Its difficult to comprehend that its been two years since we got to meet you & so two years since we said goodbye.
Its been a very busy year with the arrival of your little sister. Thats also made today feel different, last year we were without you & your sister hadnt yet arrived, so it felt strangely lonely without one of our babies to hold. This year we’ve been able to hold her extra tight when we’ve felt sad. the challenge going fowards is making sure your sister knows you. You’re such a big part of our families story that we never want to be forgotten, our little fairy that makes the cats go crazy & causes mischief wherever she can!
One of the things i meant to mention some time ago is how awkward fathers day felt. People saying ‘happy fathers day with your first kid’, when im thinking ‘err, no i’m already a dad’ but ofc say ‘thanks’, is it bad? I just dont want to go into a painful subject with some random person whose just making light conversation. I guess we all truncate our stories to whats the socially accepted level of sharing…
But youre always there, never far from my heart. We love you always Lily. Happy second birthday!
Well, its been an evenful month.. just over four weeks ago we were joined by our daughter Imogen. Our little fairy now has a little sister.
At times the joy of having Imogen with us reminds me of how painful it was to lose Lily.. but then its a pain that will never go.
A few times Imogen has reached out and grabbed my necklace that has Lilys hand & foot prints, moments like that are so very special. Its the start of her knowing she has a sister.
I look forward to telling her abour her big sis who is now a cheeky fairy that flys around causing mischief – especially winding up the cats!
Throughout our journey we have encountered examples of good and bad care, sadly we’ve had more of the latter. There have been several occcasions where we felt like we were on a conveyer belt, people just hurrying us along to the next person. There were a few who took the time to look us in the eye and feel what we were feeling.. sadly our consultant is not one of them. Recently we had a meeting with her where we asked to try different options to see if they might help – everyone of them was shot down. Now, thats not nessecarily bad care if it truly wont help, but it was like talking to a brick wall ‘no, i dont see the point’ etc, the same thing could have been said with a much kinder manner – especially given what we’ve been through. My (nearly)Wife is the brains of the outfit and asked her GP to transfer us to Tommys. This is a charity clinic which specialises in this kind of thing, and we had our first meeting with them this week. Well, what im confused out it is how our consultant shot down several things they offered off the bat! One came with a disclaimer ‘it may not help, but it wont do any harm’ – actually it will help, because it will let us think WE ARE DOING SOMETHING. After this we met one of the Tommys nurses who was so lovely, she listened to out story and took the time to emphasise. Its been three weeks since we saw our consultant, they were asked to send us our results from any tests and weve had and nothing has arrived yet, its been just over three days since tommys and theyve already arranged a second appointment!
I guess what frustrates me is that you can be as clinically skilled as you want, but if you cant show empathy for this kind of thing then no amount of skill is going to help.
Today is a bit of a mixed bag, ive got two big positives and two big sad thoughts.
On the good side, its fathers day. This makes me happy because my dad is still around for it. Now im a 30 something but my dad (actual biological father) is in his 90’s. The fact that he’s here is a really good thing.
Secondly, its now exactly 5 montha until i get to marry the most amazing woman i’ve ever met. Definate cause for celebration.
On the other end of things, its fathers day and im a dad without his little girl. Over the past few weeks it started to weigh heavier on me, though thats due to the next thing – we are now longer without our little girl than we were with her. Its really difficult to describe how that feels other than ‘sad’. I just want answers, but its still going to be a long time until we get them.
Even so: happy fathers day to all the dads who have & have not got thier little ones to hold today.
I remember when i found out we were expecting our little girl. We had been trying for a couple of months and this one we had both been busy so werent expecting anything. Id had a really crap day at work, the kind where everything annoys you. I got home frustrated and annoyed and went straight upstairs and collapsed on the bed. My partner walked in and said ‘whats that?’ i looked to see a positive test resting on the pillows. I sat on the edge of the bed and held on to her and just cried with joy.
The roll of normality continues with its highs and lows. Just over a week ago it was my birthday. I got quite upset in the morning.. sadness that our little girl wasnt there.
We also got our results back and learnt the reg who was there for the birth screwed up. In our meeting the consultant started to say ‘in situations like these its really important we do genetic testing’ ‘what do you mean? We know we didnt send a sample of lilys skin but the placenta was’… Turns out it wasnt. When she was born they went through the testing opttions, we couldnt stand the idea of a full post-mortem so decided on observations only for her but said they can do what they like with the placenta. When it came to the form the genetic testing box was crossed out, we double checked ‘they will do the placenta, right?’ ‘ absolutely, they always do’. So that was a lie. With only external observation they cant confirm what it was, though they strongly suspect triploidy – what we also think it was.
As for the future, the consultant cant find any reason we cant have a baby. The way she put it was ‘theres a dice with many sides, we just dont know how many’. So its good theres nothing stopping us getting there but we dont have a quick fix to assure us. One good thing though is that we will have a very closely monitord pregnancy last time – meaning we dont have to visit the ward we hate .. yay!
Still miss you so much little one.