Today is a bit of a mixed bag, ive got two big positives and two big sad thoughts.
On the good side, its fathers day. This makes me happy because my dad is still around for it. Now im a 30 something but my dad (actual biological father) is in his 90’s. The fact that he’s here is a really good thing.
Secondly, its now exactly 5 montha until i get to marry the most amazing woman i’ve ever met. Definate cause for celebration.
On the other end of things, its fathers day and im a dad without his little girl. Over the past few weeks it started to weigh heavier on me, though thats due to the next thing – we are now longer without our little girl than we were with her. Its really difficult to describe how that feels other than ‘sad’. I just want answers, but its still going to be a long time until we get them.
Even so: happy fathers day to all the dads who have & have not got thier little ones to hold today.
I remember when i found out we were expecting our little girl. We had been trying for a couple of months and this one we had both been busy so werent expecting anything. Id had a really crap day at work, the kind where everything annoys you. I got home frustrated and annoyed and went straight upstairs and collapsed on the bed. My partner walked in and said ‘whats that?’ i looked to see a positive test resting on the pillows. I sat on the edge of the bed and held on to her and just cried with joy.
The loss of our little one has resulted in the first time ive really felt frustrated with my close family.its an issue that really stems from how people are afraid to talk about loss. If someone close to you has lost someone, dont be afraid to talk to them. They probably wont want to talk about what they are going through, but may appreciate having a normal conversation. You can rest assured that even though they can hold a normal conversation they are still hurting inside, but that conversation will help them not feel so isolated. ‘Well, if i need to talk they know im here’.. really? Dealing with loss evaporates your want to do anything let alone feel like you want to reach out. It took so much for me to go speak to someone about how i was feeling when i hit a bad low, i essentially had to force myself to do that. If you care about someone talk to them, dont leave them in silence. Unfortunately i now feel a divide that ive not felt before, im sure it will heal over time. And maybe im being a dick as there is no book on how these things should go, but seriously just reach out to them.
Also i felt my first pangs of jelousy this week. Two people i know have had babies. They are both wonderful people and amazing parents – as they both already have kids. This is where it comes in, a feeling of being pissed off with life – others are having a second kid and life cant seem to let us have one?!? Its a horrible way to feel. Im not a believer in deities but it really feels like life is being a cunt.
i miss my little girl so much. Shes always in our hearts, but she should also be in our arms.
On wednesday we visited the people handling Lilys service. We went to drop off a tiny bunny teddy and some photos we had writte messages on. We took them through to a small room where she was in her small sealed casket. As soon as i saw it i broke down into tears. The box was beatiful with her full name/birthday and a message saying ‘always loved’ on a plaque on top. It was really moving how dignified she had been treated. We spoke to her for quite some time, reading out the messages we had written on the back of the photos. Whilst i cried for a while, afterwards i started to feel some sense of peace. It was also nice to say ‘see you tomorrow’ and not goodbye again.
for the first time when we got home i was able to look at some things, which had previously made me cry, and smile.. it was a big change to start to feel peace. It had also been great to be near our little girl after so many weeks.
yesterday was the day of the service. Shortly before the car arrived to take us to the crematorium i was feeling very nervous..as if she was watching, a huge sun beam started to shine through the lounge window lighting up the house. It made me feel a lot better. When the car arrived i got in and sat next to ger casket and started to cry. I got to carry her in whilst my partner carried flowers for her. We walked in listening to ‘Birdy – wings’. We stood at the stop of the chappel with her casket just crying for most of the song. Then we brought those with us close (her mom and my closest friend) and did some small readings. I spoke about how we wanted to remember her with a smile and about how much she had made us giggle in her ultrasounds by being so silly. I read one of the last parts of ‘the little prince’ which talks about remembering. After this we asked to be alone with her casket. We spoke to her more and started to cry… then another sun beam came through the windows and shone right on her casket. Again, it was ger there with us! We exited the chappel listening to ‘mumford and sons – after the storm’, crying more tears.
when we got home i agaun started to feel a sense of peace. Not long after we arrived, our rememerance trinkets arrived (a necklaces for my OH and bracelet for me), they had her little hand and footprints in them. Our promise is to keep her memory as something that makes us smile and gives us hope as we move forwards in life. This time it didnt really feel like goodbye, as, to be honest, she is always here in our hearts.
Its three weeks now since our tiny girl entered the world asleep and feels like a lifetime. Its those little things are that different now.. every day we used to have a listen to her heartbeat with our fetal doppler, hearing that sound and chasing her around as she moved and kicked! There was also a ban on steak that wasnt well done..no runny eggs.. we could call each other baby momma/dadda.. all those little day to day things are now a memory. Thats one of the most scary things, that our little girl will become a memory. We will do all we can to keep her with us, but its a thought which i found really hard to deal with this week. In fact, the start of this week was more tearful than the first. But then, this week coming is when we are having a servife for her. On thursday we will say goodbye again. It will also mark 4 weeks since we had confirmation her heart had stopped. Everyday i have a chat with her in my mind, picturing her as a cheeky little fairy causing mischief. Hopefully the keepsakes we have with her hand and footprints will arrive this week – along with a memory box. We also have started to choose some photos to go with her in the cremation, we are going to write little messages on the back – theres even going to be one from the cats! We are doing everything we can to do her memory justice, she gave us so much joy in the time she was with us. We want her to know she will always be with us.
I sang you a song, do you remember?
‘Hush little baby, dont say a word, Daddys gonna buy you a mocking bird. And if that mocking bird dont sing, mommys gonna buy you a diamond ring. And if that diamond rign dont shine..i cant remember the rest of the words’
We had a little giggle with you because i didnt know the words, but i did sing the last bit to the tune. It scares me that each day im moving further away from the short time i got to spend with you, i dont want you to become just a memory, you are far too loved and important to us.
Today marks two weeks since Lily came into the world asleep. It feels like loger and no time at all. Today i finished tidying up our spare room which would have become her bedroom. My partner also read a poem which we will use at her service which (no sock here) reduced me to tears. I’ve joined the Sands forum to see what it has to offer, it will be good to connect with other people who are going through/have been through this. Yesterday my closest friend said they could attend Lilys service (none of my close family can) without any hesitation, which also reduced me to tears but a mixed one – the lack of hesistation was really nice to know that people are there, no questions asked, if i need them. The cats are still goung crazy, something we say is down to our cheeky fairy Lily making them go loopy! Its a lot of things happening..
but, damn, it still bloody hurts.