2 years

Happy birthday little fairy! Its difficult to comprehend that its been two years since we got to meet you & so two years since we said goodbye.

Its been a very busy year with the arrival of your little sister. Thats also made today feel different, last year we were without you & your sister hadnt yet arrived, so it felt strangely lonely without one of our babies to hold. This year we’ve been able to hold her extra tight when we’ve felt sad. the challenge going fowards is making sure your sister knows you. You’re such a big part of our families story that we never want to be forgotten, our little fairy that makes the cats go crazy & causes mischief wherever she can!

One of the things i meant to mention some time ago is how awkward fathers day felt. People saying ‘happy fathers day with your first kid’, when im thinking ‘err, no i’m already a dad’ but ofc say ‘thanks’, is it bad? I just dont want to go into a painful subject with some random person whose just making light conversation. I guess we all truncate our stories to whats the socially accepted level of sharing…

But youre always there, never far from my heart. We love you always Lily. Happy second birthday!

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New year

Its been 2 whole years since we announced you to the world, which means it wont be long until its two years since we said goodbye. It really doesnt feel that long, but maybe thats because it still hurts? I still have monents that reduce me to tears. But you know what? This year we got to welcome your little sister into the world! Shes such an amazing bundle of love!! Even though your story was cut short, You will be part of her story as you are part of mine. At christmas your decoration went on the tree & grandma even got a little stocking for you. We should have put some extra sweet fairy treats in it!

No matter how many years go by, youre always with us. Happy new year my love.

Where are we now?

Its been one year since our little girl was born asleep. Since then we have had quite a few big developments, for a start we got married

and are expecting a baby in the coming months/weeks.

Today is a strange day, its been mostly a normal day but there is still a sadness in the background. Having timehop shouting at me to look at my memories was not the most welcome start to the day.. the pain of loss is still there and always will be, but theres still a small amount of joy at having met our little girl. We still think on her and do little things in her memory – she isnt confined to memory but still a part of our lives and when our baby arrives we will tell them of thier big sister who is watching over them.

Tonight we will light a candle.

Happy birthday Lily, we love you always.

Bedside manner

Throughout our journey we have encountered examples of good and bad care, sadly we’ve had more of the latter. There have been several occcasions where we felt like we were on a conveyer belt, people just hurrying us along to the next person. There were a few who took the time to look us in the eye and feel what we were feeling.. sadly our consultant is not one of them. Recently we had a meeting with her where we asked to try different options to see if they might help – everyone of them was shot down. Now, thats not nessecarily bad care if it truly wont help, but it was like talking to a brick wall ‘no, i dont see the point’ etc, the same thing could have been said with a much kinder manner – especially given what we’ve been through. My (nearly)Wife is the brains of the outfit and asked her GP to transfer us to Tommys. This is a charity clinic which specialises in this kind of thing, and we had our first meeting with them this week. Well, what im confused out it is how our consultant shot down several things they offered off the bat! One came with a disclaimer ‘it may not help, but it wont do any harm’ – actually it will help, because it will let us think WE ARE DOING SOMETHING. After this we met one of the Tommys nurses who was so lovely, she listened to out story and took the time to emphasise. Its been three weeks since we saw our consultant, they were asked to send us our results from any tests and weve had and nothing has arrived yet, its been just over three days since tommys and theyve already arranged a second appointment! 

I guess what frustrates me is that you can be as clinically skilled as you want, but if you cant show empathy for this kind of thing then no amount of skill is going to help.

Fathers today.

Today is a bit of a mixed bag, ive got two big positives and two big sad thoughts.

On the good side, its fathers day. This makes me happy because my dad is still around for it. Now im a 30 something but my dad (actual biological father) is in his 90’s. The fact that he’s here is a really good thing.

Secondly, its now exactly 5 montha until i get to marry the most amazing woman i’ve ever met. Definate cause for celebration.

On the other end of things, its fathers day and im a dad without his little girl. Over the past few weeks it started to weigh heavier on me, though thats due to the next thing – we are now longer without our little girl than we were with her. Its really difficult to describe how that feels other than ‘sad’. I just want answers, but its still going to be a long time until we get them.

Even so: happy fathers day to all the dads who have & have not got thier little ones to hold today.

Looking back: finding out

I remember when i found out we were expecting our little girl. We had been trying for a couple of months and this one we had both been busy so werent expecting anything. Id had a really crap day at work, the kind where everything annoys you. I got home frustrated and annoyed and went straight upstairs and collapsed on the bed. My partner walked in and said ‘whats that?’ i looked to see a positive test resting on the pillows. I sat on the edge of the bed and held on to her and just cried with joy.

Family and other peoples babies

The loss of our little one has resulted in the first time ive really felt frustrated with my close family.its an issue that really stems from how people are afraid to talk about loss. If someone close to you has lost someone, dont be afraid to talk to them. They probably wont want to talk about what they are going through, but may appreciate having a normal conversation. You can rest assured that even though they can hold a normal conversation they are still hurting inside, but that conversation will help them not feel so isolated. ‘Well, if i need to talk they know im here’.. really? Dealing with loss evaporates your want to do anything let alone feel like you want to reach out. It took so much for me to go speak to someone about how i was feeling when i hit a bad low, i essentially had to force myself to do that. If you care about someone talk to them, dont leave them in silence. Unfortunately i now feel a divide that ive not felt before, im sure it will heal over time. And maybe im being a dick as there is no book on how these things should go, but seriously just reach out to them.

Also i felt my first pangs of jelousy this week. Two people i know have had babies. They are both wonderful people and amazing parents – as they both already have kids. This is where it comes in, a feeling of being pissed off with life – others are having a second kid and life cant seem to let us have one?!? Its a horrible way to feel. Im not a believer in deities but it really feels like life is being a cunt.

i miss my little girl so much. Shes always in our hearts, but she should also be in our arms.