Today we visited a sealife centre. I broke into tears in the kids bit thinking about how much i was looking forward to taking her to places like this when she was older.
For anyone grieving over anything you are still allowed to find moments of normality. You are still allowed to find things that make you smile. Even with the greatest of losses you are not expected to cry non-stop. Cry, grieve, scream at life for being a shit but Never feel like you have to fit into an expectation of grief.
It just hit me that its already been one week since we first thought something had happened to our little light. On the wednesday morning we had an appointmemt with a consultant that confirmed some concerns we had.. and pretty much tore us apart in the process. I remember asking ‘is there anything we can do?’ A question which must have been terrible for them to have to answer ‘no’. We knew at that point our little one probably wouldnt make it to term, and even if she did it would be unlikely she would live long. What we had no idea about was that this would be the last time we would see and hear her heartbeat. Later that day we decided to search for her using our fetal doppler (which we did everyday), sure we had seen her earlier but we needed cheering up.. i thought she was being her cheeky self and hiding. Life really can be an absolute cunt.
A few months before we found out we were expecting Lily we adopted 2 little kittens that had been abandoned by thier mom. The kittens have been very affectionate to the other half throughout, they seemed to know she was expecting! Though she didnt always appreciate the invasion of personal space. Since we have lost Lily they have been amazing in helping cope with the pain. I know cats are often labelled as uncaring but our two have been very affectionate, walking up with concerned looks and soothing purrs when we’ve been crying. Usually they snuggle the other half and ignore me (even though i feed them!) But ive had some very nice cuddles. Just having our two little furry familt members has been a massive comfort, its not just us at home, its our multi-species family!
Some time ago we purchased some baby sized converse, those have joined us on holiday along with some tiny bunny teddies. Its our way of having Lily on holiday with us.
Some time ago me and the other half decided we would go away for a few days in mid feb – its the last bit of holiday entitlement i have to use this side of the financial year. We have decided to keep this break away (albeit with a new quieter destination) to get away and clear our heads.
our house has accumulated quite a lot of baby things (a fair bit is from our first loss) so yesterday we spent some time packaging it all up and sealing it and putting it into the attic. I was expecting it to be a painful process but it was actually surprisingly theraputic, also it was nice to see some of the cute clothes we had purchased over a year ago! When we do a have little one they will have some vintage fashion to wear!
I have started this blog to talk about my Daughter Lily who was born asleep on the 5th of February 2017. I hope talking about my experiences will not only help me but also help others.