Its been one year since our little girl was born asleep. Since then we have had quite a few big developments, for a start we got married
and are expecting a baby in the coming months/weeks.
Today is a strange day, its been mostly a normal day but there is still a sadness in the background. Having timehop shouting at me to look at my memories was not the most welcome start to the day.. the pain of loss is still there and always will be, but theres still a small amount of joy at having met our little girl. We still think on her and do little things in her memory – she isnt confined to memory but still a part of our lives and when our baby arrives we will tell them of thier big sister who is watching over them.
Tonight we will light a candle.
Happy birthday Lily, we love you always.
Throughout our journey we have encountered examples of good and bad care, sadly we’ve had more of the latter. There have been several occcasions where we felt like we were on a conveyer belt, people just hurrying us along to the next person. There were a few who took the time to look us in the eye and feel what we were feeling.. sadly our consultant is not one of them. Recently we had a meeting with her where we asked to try different options to see if they might help – everyone of them was shot down. Now, thats not nessecarily bad care if it truly wont help, but it was like talking to a brick wall ‘no, i dont see the point’ etc, the same thing could have been said with a much kinder manner – especially given what we’ve been through. My (nearly)Wife is the brains of the outfit and asked her GP to transfer us to Tommys. This is a charity clinic which specialises in this kind of thing, and we had our first meeting with them this week. Well, what im confused out it is how our consultant shot down several things they offered off the bat! One came with a disclaimer ‘it may not help, but it wont do any harm’ – actually it will help, because it will let us think WE ARE DOING SOMETHING. After this we met one of the Tommys nurses who was so lovely, she listened to out story and took the time to emphasise. Its been three weeks since we saw our consultant, they were asked to send us our results from any tests and weve had and nothing has arrived yet, its been just over three days since tommys and theyve already arranged a second appointment!
I guess what frustrates me is that you can be as clinically skilled as you want, but if you cant show empathy for this kind of thing then no amount of skill is going to help.
Today is a bit of a mixed bag, ive got two big positives and two big sad thoughts.
On the good side, its fathers day. This makes me happy because my dad is still around for it. Now im a 30 something but my dad (actual biological father) is in his 90’s. The fact that he’s here is a really good thing.
Secondly, its now exactly 5 montha until i get to marry the most amazing woman i’ve ever met. Definate cause for celebration.
On the other end of things, its fathers day and im a dad without his little girl. Over the past few weeks it started to weigh heavier on me, though thats due to the next thing – we are now longer without our little girl than we were with her. Its really difficult to describe how that feels other than ‘sad’. I just want answers, but its still going to be a long time until we get them.
Even so: happy fathers day to all the dads who have & have not got thier little ones to hold today.
The roll of normality continues with its highs and lows. Just over a week ago it was my birthday. I got quite upset in the morning.. sadness that our little girl wasnt there.
We also got our results back and learnt the reg who was there for the birth screwed up. In our meeting the consultant started to say ‘in situations like these its really important we do genetic testing’ ‘what do you mean? We know we didnt send a sample of lilys skin but the placenta was’… Turns out it wasnt. When she was born they went through the testing opttions, we couldnt stand the idea of a full post-mortem so decided on observations only for her but said they can do what they like with the placenta. When it came to the form the genetic testing box was crossed out, we double checked ‘they will do the placenta, right?’ ‘ absolutely, they always do’. So that was a lie. With only external observation they cant confirm what it was, though they strongly suspect triploidy – what we also think it was.
As for the future, the consultant cant find any reason we cant have a baby. The way she put it was ‘theres a dice with many sides, we just dont know how many’. So its good theres nothing stopping us getting there but we dont have a quick fix to assure us. One good thing though is that we will have a very closely monitord pregnancy last time – meaning we dont have to visit the ward we hate .. yay!
Still miss you so much little one.
6 weeks now.. and still 4 weeks until we get any results. We colected Lilys ashes about a week and a half ago.. i was surprised there are any. Now we need to think about what we do with them if we do anything. For now they are safe in the beautiful little container we choose. Its a testament to the person who organised the service that we got this one. We only saw it breifly and said it would be nice if there were any ashes. Then we are collecting them in that container. It has an image of a sunset on it which is very pretty. Im not sure what we will do aith the ashes, i expect we will hold on to them for quite some time as once you make that choice you cant go back. We were thinking of scattering them overseas but the rules are far tighter than in the uk.
I also had my first big day of lots of people asking about it. It was ok if a bit uncomfortable at times. Though one convo was quite in depth and i could feel myself welling up.
Also i only recently saw the pics my partner took. Our baby had a really cute little face. Her pics also captured more of a tiny smile on her little lips. That has helped me find a bit more peace.
The loss of our little one has resulted in the first time ive really felt frustrated with my close family.its an issue that really stems from how people are afraid to talk about loss. If someone close to you has lost someone, dont be afraid to talk to them. They probably wont want to talk about what they are going through, but may appreciate having a normal conversation. You can rest assured that even though they can hold a normal conversation they are still hurting inside, but that conversation will help them not feel so isolated. ‘Well, if i need to talk they know im here’.. really? Dealing with loss evaporates your want to do anything let alone feel like you want to reach out. It took so much for me to go speak to someone about how i was feeling when i hit a bad low, i essentially had to force myself to do that. If you care about someone talk to them, dont leave them in silence. Unfortunately i now feel a divide that ive not felt before, im sure it will heal over time. And maybe im being a dick as there is no book on how these things should go, but seriously just reach out to them.
Also i felt my first pangs of jelousy this week. Two people i know have had babies. They are both wonderful people and amazing parents – as they both already have kids. This is where it comes in, a feeling of being pissed off with life – others are having a second kid and life cant seem to let us have one?!? Its a horrible way to feel. Im not a believer in deities but it really feels like life is being a cunt.
i miss my little girl so much. Shes always in our hearts, but she should also be in our arms.