I remember when i found out we were expecting our little girl. We had been trying for a couple of months and this one we had both been busy so werent expecting anything. Id had a really crap day at work, the kind where everything annoys you. I got home frustrated and annoyed and went straight upstairs and collapsed on the bed. My partner walked in and said ‘whats that?’ i looked to see a positive test resting on the pillows. I sat on the edge of the bed and held on to her and just cried with joy.
I sang you a song, do you remember?
‘Hush little baby, dont say a word, Daddys gonna buy you a mocking bird. And if that mocking bird dont sing, mommys gonna buy you a diamond ring. And if that diamond rign dont shine..i cant remember the rest of the words’
We had a little giggle with you because i didnt know the words, but i did sing the last bit to the tune. It scares me that each day im moving further away from the short time i got to spend with you, i dont want you to become just a memory, you are far too loved and important to us.
One year ago today we lost our first little one.. its given valentines a bit of a different meaning for us. Our first sadly passed away at 8-9 weeks.. what added extra sadness was that we found out just before going on holiday.. a holiday which started with a stop over in Paris. It sounds almost too sad to be true – something i was thinking when talking to our bereavement midwife today. We named our little one Babba (that was the nickname we had used throughout) and they have always stayed with us, though the pain was terrible we used it as a resolve to keep moving forwards. We hoped that we would be coming into a year later with good news, but sadly february now holds even more sadness with our loss of Lily. I tried going in to work today hoping to keep myself occupied.. which worked up until a point. After a while i started to feel the sadness boiling over.. i found a quiet place to sit down and then called the bereavement midwife to have a chat. Lots of tears later and i felt exhausted – thats one of the things people rarely tell you about grief, thats its so tiring! The sadness was made even worse by the fact we went to speak with the people handling the arrangements for Lilys ceremony.. its a lot of different things to comprehend, let alone process emotionally.
I decided it was best to go home early. I came home to find a slightly different vslentines present from my other half – she was part way through cleaning the kitchen (a task i usually do), and i smiled and started to feel better. Despite all of the loss we have faced, we have never faced it alone, we have faced it together.
i can’t believe its already been a week since out little one came into the world asleep. This has possibly been the longest and shortest week of my life.. its so very strange how time changes so much with how you are feeling. A week ago we were wiping away tears and waiting to meet our tiny one for the first time and now we are sat at home on the sofa watching Tv…after some tears. The onset of normality after something so tragic is a really really strange feeling… the pain is still there but its moved from someone ripping my heart apart to emptiness and missing her so much.. its more like a constant melancholy. But that said, we’ve still managed to make each other laugh and giggling at times, something we have both felt guilty about on separate occasions – which is really silly as we know Lily would have wanted us to rejoice in the fact that she happened and take happiness ans strength from that.
Tomorrow i go back to work which i’m not really looking forwards to, but if i put it off i will only feel worse. That’s not to say anything bad about what i do or the people i work with (well except one who is really annoying me, so i will have to try my best not to tell them to f**k off as i really do need this job). I’m most worried about leaving my other-half with our crazy kittens.. though they should take good care of her.
Also tomorrow we have a meeting with the people who will be handling the cremation, something which will no doubt break our hearts yet again. And we haven’t yet heard from the hospital as to when they have completed their checks on Lily.. it sounded like there was a bit of a hold up, though she is only having external checks so hopefully we will hear something at the start of next week.
next week also brings up an old pain as valentines day marks one year since we lost our first little light..
One of the ways we are finding peace at the moment is to think of our little Lily as a cheeky fairy who is always around us causing mischief at filling our hearts with smiles and laughter. Its how we have chosen to keep her with us. Neither of us are religious but it is nice to think that she is with her great-grandmother, our other little light and others we know who were lost too early. In the most basic of ways to look at things we know she felt no pain and went when it was best for her, on her terms. We knew there could be complications later on and that she probably wouldn’t survive until term, and if she did it probably wouldn’t be for very long.. So it was a small mercy that she saved pain for herself and months of worry for us. but even with that all that said… it still hurts because she was, is and always will be our little girl.
It just hit me that its already been one week since we first thought something had happened to our little light. On the wednesday morning we had an appointmemt with a consultant that confirmed some concerns we had.. and pretty much tore us apart in the process. I remember asking ‘is there anything we can do?’ A question which must have been terrible for them to have to answer ‘no’. We knew at that point our little one probably wouldnt make it to term, and even if she did it would be unlikely she would live long. What we had no idea about was that this would be the last time we would see and hear her heartbeat. Later that day we decided to search for her using our fetal doppler (which we did everyday), sure we had seen her earlier but we needed cheering up.. i thought she was being her cheeky self and hiding. Life really can be an absolute cunt.