i can’t believe its already been a week since out little one came into the world asleep. This has possibly been the longest and shortest week of my life.. its so very strange how time changes so much with how you are feeling. A week ago we were wiping away tears and waiting to meet our tiny one for the first time and now we are sat at home on the sofa watching Tv…after some tears. The onset of normality after something so tragic is a really really strange feeling… the pain is still there but its moved from someone ripping my heart apart to emptiness and missing her so much.. its more like a constant melancholy. But that said, we’ve still managed to make each other laugh and giggling at times, something we have both felt guilty about on separate occasions – which is really silly as we know Lily would have wanted us to rejoice in the fact that she happened and take happiness ans strength from that.
Tomorrow i go back to work which i’m not really looking forwards to, but if i put it off i will only feel worse. That’s not to say anything bad about what i do or the people i work with (well except one who is really annoying me, so i will have to try my best not to tell them to f**k off as i really do need this job). I’m most worried about leaving my other-half with our crazy kittens.. though they should take good care of her.
Also tomorrow we have a meeting with the people who will be handling the cremation, something which will no doubt break our hearts yet again. And we haven’t yet heard from the hospital as to when they have completed their checks on Lily.. it sounded like there was a bit of a hold up, though she is only having external checks so hopefully we will hear something at the start of next week.
next week also brings up an old pain as valentines day marks one year since we lost our first little light..
One of the ways we are finding peace at the moment is to think of our little Lily as a cheeky fairy who is always around us causing mischief at filling our hearts with smiles and laughter. Its how we have chosen to keep her with us. Neither of us are religious but it is nice to think that she is with her great-grandmother, our other little light and others we know who were lost too early. In the most basic of ways to look at things we know she felt no pain and went when it was best for her, on her terms. We knew there could be complications later on and that she probably wouldn’t survive until term, and if she did it probably wouldn’t be for very long.. So it was a small mercy that she saved pain for herself and months of worry for us. but even with that all that said… it still hurts because she was, is and always will be our little girl.